I Don't Remember
by Keepingfaith
Summary: Ty learns to let go of a lost love...
1. Letting Go

He didn't know what he was doing there. This was a delicate job, better suited to anyone else but himself. He shouldn't have offered to do it, but Kim had looked so broken, so exhausted that he had volunteered without hesitation. She would be dealing with enough the next few days; she didn't need to walk into an apartment filled with memories. 

Mrs. Taylor didn't want to set foot in her daughter's apartment, handing the job over to Kim. She walked in with Jimmy, opened the bedroom door and saw the bed, still wrinkled with the impression of Alex's body only a few days old, and burst into tears. Jimmy had to help her to the car and drive her back to the firehouse. And now somehow the job had landed in Ty's lap. 

Ty didn't know where to start. Her smell had hit him almost the instant he stepped into her home; familiarity once again setting in. He threw his keys and jacket onto the dining room table, and made his way to her bedroom. The door was already open, so he ambled in, almost feeling like he was trespassing. Funny, he'd spent enough nights here to be comfortable with the place. But it didn't feel like a home anymore, not with it's owner gone. She took whatever warmth was left in it with her sudden departure. He made his way past the bed, the same spot that had made Kim fall to her knees and sob with the sorrow only a close friend could ever know, and stopped in front of the closet.

He listened for her, listened for the delicate shuffle of her feet across the carpet, waiting for her to stop him. _"What are you snooping, Davis?"_ she would admonish, arms folded over her chest, a smile just tugging at the corners of her mouth, lighting up her blue eyes. He listened, but there was no shuffling footsteps, no husky voice offering conversation. He closed his eyes, willing himself to finish the job, willing himself to find the strength to continue. It's not like he hadn't done this before. When his father died, even though he was a young kid, he had helped his mother sort through his things. He knew what it felt like to throw away the past, knew when to give in and turn the page. Then why was it so hard to even think of opening her closet? Throwing out clothes that still smelled like her, touch things that had meant so much to her, pack away items to sit in their cardboard boxes collecting dust while they were forgotten?

Ty took a deep breath and turned the knob, yanking open the door. He started with her clothes, separating things into piles for donation, and things her mother might want. Next went the shoes, the bags, the bed linens and the extra curtains. He opened box after box, chose to keep some, others to go through with her mother later. He found Christmas cards, love letters from high school, pictures of family and friends. He spent two hours just sorting things out, then gave up and moved to her dresser. Half way through that he decided to move to the kitchen and toss out all the perishable items, keeping a few things for donation. He couldn't sit still, jumping from thing to thing, just wanting the job to be over.

A blinking light by the nightstand made him stop as he started to stand. Her alarm clock was flashing a neon green light across the carpet, emitting a soft _tick tick tick_ sound. He walked towards it, intent on shutting it off when he realized that the light was from the CD player on her clock. He hit the play button, letting the CD continue from when it was paused the night before. She must have had fallen asleep before she shut the CD player off, and never got a chance to turn it off when she got home…

_"No. No."_ he told himself _"I said I wouldn't do this. She isn't mine to cry over, she isn't mine at all. Wasn't mine…" _Ty cleared his throat, ignoring the urge to break down right there. 

The sounds of a saxophone cut the air, drawing a small smile from Ty. Alex did love that jazzy style. She had commented on it when he took her to a jazz bar once, and he went out and found this CD for her. Linda Eder had some great jazz songs to her credit. Ty let the song play, opening her bedside draw and emptying more of Alex's things out…

I don't remember 

How much I needed to be near you

And I can't close my eyes and hear you 

No, no I simply don't recall our love at all 

Ty kept sorting through her things, ignoring the ache in his heart, the stinging in his eyes. Pictures, letters, cards, a diary; he kept going through her things.

I don't remember 

The way you filled my world with laughter 

Or how I changed forever after 

As I look back it's sad to see 

My memory is failing me 

He listened to the song, still looking through her belongings. He picked up the diary, flipped through it until he found a picture of himself and Alex. They were covered in mud, back when the fire department and police department had their football game. They were smiling at the camera, Ty looking down at Alex as she gave the camera a coy smile. He flipped the picture over where, in big bold scrawl read _Ty and Alex_ in a heart. He smiled, thinking how much of a hopeless romantic Alex was, even if she refused to let anyone see the soft side of her. He sighed.

I don't see your face almost every place 

I don't cry 

I don't think of you and I don't wonder why 

Cause day after day after day after day 

I can't recall when you went away 

Sitting back on the floor, letting his head brush the side of the bed, he remembered the way she had talked about their families meeting, and the way he had brushed her off as "one of the guys" to his mother. She was visiting him after he had been shot, and instead of being grateful he hadn't wanted his mother to know he was dating a white girl. As if it would matter, Alex would have won his mother's heart over in an instant. 

I don't remember 

A thousand little things about you

Like how I just can't live without you 

No, no I simply can't recall why lovers fall in love at all 

He didn't know what she saw in him honestly. He had messed it up real bad. She got cold after that, not that he blamed her. He took her trust and betrayed it, and he didn't deserve her. He kept a cool front with everyone, but on the inside he knew better. Knew how he hurt her. Even as she lay bleeding to death on the pavement, he couldn't say anything to her. In the end it was Carlos, of all people, who had consoled her. Even in the end, when her eyes were searching for a familiar face, he didn't step up and help her. No he never deserved her.

He let his head fall back, squeezed his eyes shut, not able to stand the pressure behind his eyes. He couldn't ignore their stinging anymore, the insistence of the tears. He finally let himself cry.

I don't remember 

Try as I might 

I don't remember 

Each lonely night 

I don't remember us at all


	2. Curtains close

            _Forever is an awfully long time. And that's really what death is. Forever. Damn long time if you think about it. I mean, what is a lifetime really? What if a person lives to a hundred? Yea that seems like a lot, but in the whole spectrum of things it's pretty short. One hundred compared to billions of years, or as long as that forever lasts. So really a lifetime is just a little sliver in time. Yet it's funny how much you can accomplish in a lifetime._

            Alex did just that, only her lifetime was shorter than most. What is that theory; time is all relative? Minutes can seem like seconds, hours can seem like minutes? Well in that case Alex's life seemed like three hundred years rather than thirty. She did so much, touched so many people, changed so many lives. She left a lasting memory in many people's minds. She was a fighter. She proved that, for the petite woman she was, she was worth every bit as the biggest man. She wanted to help people, to make a difference. She was a perfect combination of femininity and strength. 

            And yet, as strong as she was, they were all gathered for her funeral. Ty looked down at his mother, who was standing at his side offering silent support. She glanced up at him, offering a tentative smile. He smiled in return, giving her shoulders a slight squeeze. As far as she knew Ty had just lost a close friend, not a former love. 

He heard Mrs. Taylor talking quietly with the minister about the service. She had opted for a few close friends in a small ceremony for Alex rather than the elaborate funerals that the fire department was known for. There would still be bag pipe players offering mournful remembrance in their soulful tunes, but there would be no public spectacle. The headlines had already grabbed up the story of two of New York's Finest who were killed in a horrible car accident; there was no need to fuel their interests with a huge service. Alex was never one for formality anyway; if she could be here she would already be warning everyone not to cry. She hated tears, they made her sad. Not that that mattered now. And she didn't need to scold everyone for crying; no one dared to shed a tear. Yes, the sadness hung in the air, nearly palpable, but it was almost an unspoken agreement amongst the group. No one would cry and upset Mrs. Taylor more than she was, even though they ached down to their very cores to do so. That was partly the reason for no tears, to protect Beth. But they were also in a state of shock, not yet willing to accept her death. They all seemed to believe that if they didn't cry it wouldn't be true, and she would somehow find her way back to them. 

Ty finally knew that it was true; he'd indulged in his tears already. All he had to do was look at that small mahogany box that held what remained of Alex. Physically anyway, he had the part of her self that she had given him tucked away in his heart. It would be a burial at sea, everyone saying a few words and then their final goodbyes. Ty hovered around near Mrs. Taylor, wanting to offer her comfort but not knowing how when he never really met her before. He decided to just watch her; content in the knowledge that she had all the support she needed around her. 

There was a bit of a confusion as to when to let the ship leave port, but after reassurances from Carlos that one member of their party would not be making it, Mrs. Taylor gave the signal to cast off. It was a silent ride to the statue of liberty, other than the bag pipes in the background offering their own words for the deceased. Ty found his mind wandering during the service, only really snapping out of his thought when he greeted Mrs. Taylor. He was just slipping back into his thoughts when Beth had offered a chance for the guests to present a few words on Alex. 

Again, Ty felt himself unable to help her. There were so many things he could say about Alex. Her crazy sense of humor, her integrity, her determination. But he found himself rooted to the spot. Carlos stepped to the front of the crowd, explaining that he was going to present Doc's speech for the service. Ty felt himself growing impatient with the man. He was always jumping to help lately when, in her life, he had held a resentment towards Alex. Maybe he had misjudged their relationship, only seeing his roommate's jealously at getting the new girl before he had a chance to. Hiding it from him and then rubbing it in his face when the truth came out hadn't helped either. But now Carlos had the upper hand, and Ty felt his bitterness growing. 

Ty shook his head, realizing that Carlos, unlike himself, had the nerve to stand up for Alex when he didn't. He stayed quiet and gave Nieto his full attention.

As it turned out, Carlos delivered a moving speech, albeit astonishing at first. If there was a dry eye before there wasn't anymore. Everyone was crying; even Carlos choked back the tears as he gave his oration. Kim turned her face into Jimmy's shoulder, her shoulders shaking with sobs. Everyone reacted similarly, wiping futilely at tears that wouldn't stop falling. Ty hugged his mother closer to his side when he heard her give a small sniffle, and she wrapped her arms around his middle. He had made up his mind about what he was going to do.

___ ___ ___ ___

Ty had been home for hours trying to figure out how to tell her. His mother needed to know about Alex and him. He had tried calling her four times already, and freezing up the second he heard her voice.

He sighed, running a frustrated hand over his head and rubbing his hair. Ty leaned over and snatched up the phone, pressed the buttons and tried to pick his opening line as he listened to the ringing. 

"Hello?" Maggie's voice asked over the line.

"Hi mom, it's me," Ty started, not quite sure where to take this.

"Tyrone Davis is something wrong? This is the fifth time you've called me in the past three hours. Are you okay sweetheart?" Maggie inquired, her voice full of concern.

 "Nothing mom I just wanted to see how you are that's all," Ty said on a sigh. He kept rubbing his head, trying to sort out his thoughts.

"Baby talk to me, are you sure you're ok?" Maggie asked again. She was beginning to get worried, usually she was the one nagging her son and checking up on him. Now the roles were reversed and she sensed that Ty was holding back.

"Nothing mom, look I have to go now. Talk to you later?"

"Sure baby, if you need anything just ask. Are you sure you're okay?" Maggie tried one last time.

"Yeah mom, I'm sure," and Ty let the receiver slip back into its cradle. He leaned his head back, letting it thump against the headboard. He closed his eyes, letting out a frustrated sigh. That did not go as planned. He wanted his mother to know the truth, for his peace of mind and for Alex's memory.

Ty decided to give up for the night, turning in early with the hopes that he would find inspiration during his sleep. He flicked off the light and lay in the dark until sleep claimed him.   


	3. When I look into your eyes

            Ty felt his eyes growing heavier, and he gave into their strain and fell asleep. Almost as soon as the dark curtain was drawn over his eyes, Ty fell asleep. He was lying there, not quite dreaming but not conscious of his surroundings. Nothing was unusual in the room, just his even breathing filled the air. _In and out_. _In and out_. The sounds of the hallway clock added to the silent chorus. _In and out_. _In and out_.

            Something changed. Ty registered the presence in his room, slowly starting to wake up under its heavy stares. He glanced up, still clouded with sleep and saw a form sitting in the chair across the room. He thought it was Carlos, who lately had a habit of checking on him. Tip toed around him like he was a time bomb waiting to go off. 

Ty was in no mood to have a babysitter watching over him, and he intended on telling Carlos so. He sat up a little, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and throwing the sheet off of his legs. He looked up again and stared towards the chair. The shape was too small to be Carlos, and it was too dark to really determine who it was. Ty's instincts kicked in, something was not right.

"Who are you?" he whispered at the figure. It didn't reply, just stood up and walked to the window, looking at him as if it were waiting for his next question.

_Definitely too small for Carlos_, Ty thought as he peered up at the figure. There was a slight beam of moonlight peeking in through the blinds. If the person moved just a little to the right he would be able to see it more clearly. As if reading his thoughts, the figure shifted and stepped directly into the patch of moonlight. Ty let his eyes adjust to the darkness before he looked up. When he did he almost jumped in fright.

There, bathed in moonlight, was Alex. The silver light cast off of her golden hair, making it shine brighter than the sun. Her face was half hidden in darkness, but there was no mistaking those high cheekbones, or slight curve of her chin. Her slender build was the same, as well as that stance she took, staring him down waiting for him to make the first move. Stubborn as he used to call it. Then there was that unmistakable air that hung around Alex, that presence she held when she entered a room. She demanded attention without so much as a word; just simply standing there brought every eye in the room around to her. 

Ty held his breath, hardly able to believe that she was there. "Alex," he said, although the word escaped as more of a question than a statement. She watched him for a minute, her brow creasing in that adorable way it did when she was concentrating on something hard. She took a step towards him then hesitated, gauging his reaction. When he did nothing she took another step, and another until she was next to the bed. Finally she sat down on the edge, twisting so that she still faced him. 

She was definitely there, the bed creasing under her weight, her perfume filling the air around her. She tilted her head back, looking into Ty's eyes, questioning him as if to say, _"Do you believe it, do you believe me that I'm here?" _Truth was Ty didn't know what he believed. He wanted to talk to her, tell her he loved her, yell at her for leaving, hug her to him and never let go. Emotions played across his face, and his confusion must have shown because she smiled compassionately and leaned towards him. For a crazy minute he thought she was going to kiss him, and he froze, holding perfectly still. 

Her smile broadened at that, and she reached down and took his hand, lifting it to her face and holding it there. _"There, you see? I am here, you can touch me,"_ that action said. Her eyes were waiting, understanding his confusion and willing to help him. He felt her encouragement, and took his other hand to hold her face. She liked that, giving him the mischievous smile he was so used to. It broke his heart to see that, something he thought he'd never have again. She took her hands and placed them on top of his, looking back into his eyes as if to banish all his negative thoughts. It was too much for him, he couldn't hold back. She was there, and there was so much he needed to tell her. He didn't know he was crying until she frowned at him, tugging his hands down and holding them in front of her. He stared down at their entwined hands, finding comfort in the gesture, and looked up to see her watching him with concern. She picked up one of her hands, tracing the path of his tears, wiping them away with her fingertips. He shuddered at the touch, so faint yet entirely tangible.

They sat there for a few minutes, just looking at one another until she started to tug away. _"No, no I'm not ready,"_ Ty thought, holding her hands firmly in his own. She easily pulled away, smiling at him to assure him that she wasn't going anywhere, not yet. She walked over to his dresser and pulled a CD off of it. She crossed the room again and placed it in his lap. He looked at her quizzically, but she seemed to say, _"Trust me, go with it."_ Then she touched his face, not saying a word but willing him to understand her. 

He saw images of her mother flash through his mind, and his own mother. They were talking and laughing, sharing some special bond together. _"Is this what will happen?"_ he thought, and heard in his mind, _"Let me finish."_ She continued sending him pictures, some of him cleaning out her apartment, some of Kim weeping_. "So you knew all along what we were going through?" _he asked, and she nodded, _"Yes"_ he heard. _"So you know that I love you?"_ he felt uncertain asking, and in return felt a rush of warmth and happiness edged with sadness. _"Yes, yes it's true,"_ she thought, and he thought he saw a tear in her eyes. He wondered if ghosts could cry, and was answered with a light tap on the shoulder. He almost cried at the typical Alex behavior. She stood up, impatient now, _"If you cry I will leave, there is no time to cry yet."_ He smiled at her stubbornness and relaxed.

Ty sat there, willing to do whatever Alex needed. She sat back down, and again placed her hand on his face. She sent him pictures of her mother at home, drinking and bitter. She was alone in the world except for her son, but that wasn't enough to keep her grounded. Ty sensed distress with the next picture he saw, and that was a funeral procession. "She's going to die?" he whispered aloud, and felt Alex's sadness course through him. _"What about that first picture, my mother was talking to yours? They were laughing."_ He felt her urgency hit him, and he knew he had nailed it. _"That's it, I need to get them to talk?"_ and he felt her relief at that thought. _"Done,"_ he thought, and was rewarded with a smile.

Alex stepped away from the bed, smiling down at him. He smiled back, and went to ask her something, but he felt her presence getting weaker. _"Alex?"_ he wondered, then more franticly, _"Alex?"_ She just stepped away from him, wiling him to know that he didn't need her now. _"But I do,"_ he pleaded, his eyes searching hers, _"I still need you."_ She just smiled at him, nodding to the CD on his lap, _"That's for you" _he heard in his head. _"Will I see you again?"_ he wondered, and she looked pained for a minute, wistful. _"Whenever you think of me I will be there"_ was the answer. She stepped away, fading into the blackness. _"Alex!"_ Ty called, _"Alex!"_

"ALEX!" Ty screamed, waking with a start. He jerked his head to the window, seeing that the sun was already up. _So that was it; that was a dream._ He felt the tears coming back, but crushed the thought of crying by swiping his hand across his face. He was going crazy that's it, no ghosts just one crazy man. He stood up to leave his room when he heard something clatter softly to the floor. The CD. He picked it up, seeing Linda Eder's face on the cover.

"How did that…" he wondered aloud, then stopped. Maybe it wasn't a dream after all. And if it wasn't then Alex's mother needed him. Not only did he need to talk to his mother for his own sake, but Beth's. Their mothers' knew suffering and could comfort each other. Suddenly Ty knew the words to say to his mother, and leaned over to the phone. But first he would put on some music, call it divine inspiration.

"Hello?" Maggie answered on the second ring, stifling a yawn.

"Hi mom," Ty started. He smiled. Things would be ok.

I don't remember 

How much I needed to be near you

And I can't close my eyes and hear you 

No, no I simply don't recall our love at all… 


	4. Author's Musings

I hope everyone loved this fanfic, I certainly fell in love with it. I had no idea that it was going to turn out the way it did, but I followed my muse and look where it led me! I'm surprised I finished it so fast with school rearing its ugly head (supposed to be studying for physics now hah!). I just thought that this song fit that last scene I wrote. It's Linda Eder again (sense an obsession here?).

WHEN I LOOK IN YOUR EYES

When I look in your eyes,

I see the wisdom of the world in you eyes

I see the sadness of a thousand goodbyes

When I look in your eyes

And it is no surprise

To see the softness of the moon in your eyes

The gentle sparkle of the stars in the skies

When I look in your eyes

In your eyes,

I see the deepness of the sea

I see the deepness of the love,

The love I fell you feel for me

Autumn comes, summer dies

I see the passing of the years in your eyes

And when we part, there'll be no tears

No goodbyes

I'll just look into your eyes

Those eyes, so wise, so warm, so real

How I love the world you eyes reveal


End file.
